CHICKEN FRIED RICE

I don’t go by the numbers when I cook, so I’ll list the ingredients and somewhat of a process. You can figure out the rest.

Ingredients

- White Rice (cooled)
- Chicken (diced)
- Garlic (minced)
- Onion (diced)
- Sesame Oil
- Green Onions (makes it feel like the real thing)
- Mushrooms (pictured/optional)
- Baby Corn (pictured/optional)
- Other Vegetables you like to see in a fried rice (bean sprouts, corn, carrots, peas, etc.)
- Egg
- Soy Sauce
- Salt and Pepper
- Chicken Broth (optional)

Process

Turn on radio or television in kitchen. Tune to decent idle programming. If there’s somebody in the kitchen with you, make sure you engage them in conversation while trying not to cut yourself. Suggested topics include the weather, politics, deep-seated fears, or whatever sporting events might be of current interest.

Heat Oil (medium to medium-hi) in a skillet (or wok if you’re into that thing) with the minced garlic. When garlic is browned, add chicken, onions, and a few teaspoons (or tablespoons) of soy sauce.

When the chicken is browned say aloud: “Okay, I’m gonna add the vegetables now.”  Add the mushrooms, baby corn, and other vegetables; but save the green onions for last. Pour in a little chicken broth, cover and let simmer for a few moments.

This is a perfect time to change topics to that of personal matters. Do you have a bone to pick or a rude suggestion? Since you likely invited that guest over to dine, the least they can do is accept your criticism or suggestion with aplomb. Say your piece, wait until the awkward pause lasts a little too long, then smile and say: “oh, time to add the rice! This smells pretty good, eh?”

Add rice. Mix rice into current mixture and add a few more tablespoons of soy sauce. This is the tricky part because you don’t want to ‘overseason’ the rice but you want it to be brown enough to seem like it was made at a restaurant. Trial and error is a good way to go about this…but don’t let the guest know that. You can’t show any sign of weakness.

At this point, you’ll have the rice and ingredients mixed nicely and cooked to a nice brown. Push the rice to one end of the skillet (or wok, you pandering jerk) and cook the (opened) egg on the bared part of the skillet.  Allow egg to cook and scramble for a few moments before mixing back into the fried rice.  Maybe add a pinch of pepper or salt for good measure.

Add the green onions, stir, and tell your house guest you were just kidding about what you said earlier; apologize for having run out of facial tissues.

Turn off stove and serve.

I’m learning new words for something I’ll tell you about later.  Of the current batch I’m studying, here are some words that don’t sound at all like their definition (i’ll leave it up to you to figure out the definitions):

- Phlegmatic: Makes me think of the word phlegm.

- Salubrious: I would have to say the word sounds like a description of a creepy lounge lizard.

- Soporific:  Soap + terrific.  Terrific Soap, right?

- Recalcitrant: Could this be an accountant who re-checks his numbers incessantly?

- Quotidian:  Sounds like somebody with a sharp wit.

Skipping straight to the punchline and knowing it’s correct? Either I’m good at the daily jumble or have an extremely cheesy sense of humor. I got the answer in a few seconds and it made me chuckle. I’m lame. I know.

My Suggested Riddles for the Daily Jumble:
- What Jughead’s friends called him after his rehab stint for heroin use. *NEEDLE NOSE*
- Why the Olympian broke up with his girlfriend. *She wasn’t “GOLD” standard*
- What the Pig said to Shaggy when they saw a ghost? *ZOINKS!*
- What happened when the Queen exploded in a helicopter? *she RAINED all over the place*
- What the future EMT needed after getting into a car accident. *a CRASH COURSE*

Condensed to 45 seconds.

[Photos]

It appears that everything I’ve tried to keep my personal blog going has fizzled out.  I’ve tried schedules, I’ve tried pictures, I’ve tried everything.  While I’m not going to say this particular blog is dead, I’ve certainly developed a cynical attitude towards the medium in general.  The month (or year, for that matter) off has been nice because I haven’t had to think: “Hrm,what should I write today? I have to write something!!”

Dear Public Diary:

Fuck you.

Close your eyes and move on if you’re not ready to face this reality: The art of the personal web blog is dying a sad death.  Since I started a web blog in 2003 (Jesus, has it been almost six years?) I’ve come to the following conclusion: Internet addicts keep personal blogs when lonely, in need of vindication, and/or to convince themselves (and others) that everything is okay.   The more contented and/or involved you are with real life, the less you feel the need catalog the events to nobody in particular.  That’s not to say the 2003 version of me was a wreck, but I’m too satisfied with my world right now to regurgitate events in paragraph form.

The personal weblog is a self-serving me-me-me-me-me fantasy world; a platform where I write a story where I can be the hero, villian, and victim all at once.  I agree that it’s a good way for distant friends to keep an eye on things, but on a day-to-day level, nobody is better off knowing what I did last weekend - nor I theirs.  When I write an intentionally cryptic post, I’ve lost 99% of the readers, so what’s the point?  If I use names, places and events, how can I expect somebody outside my inner circle to follow along?  When I use this platform to take passive-aggresive shots, I’m basically saying it’s not worth it to confront issues (petty or not) in person, but certainly worth it to air grievances to a mostly sympathetic audience.

I guess what I’m saying is that by focusing solely on myself (as is the usual case with these posts), I’m leaving everybody on the outside and only I benefit.  Sure that may be fine for some but if you keep looking inward, you stop looking outward. That being said, I’m not declaring this blog dead and I will keep writing stories from my universe.  I just won’t bother you with the inward details unless it’s big or something.  Stay tuned?  Yes Indeed.